*Please watch the video prior to reading. I was touched!http://www.youtube.com/user/PoliticsNewsPolitics#play/all/uploads-all/0/5sb4aiRGx50
We need to be careful what we say to our children. Just recently while riding Marta I overheard a black mother tell her active toddler, “Sit your wild black ass down, Nigga. You are so damn bad. Get on my nerves. Dang!”
Before anyone says, ‘She may have had a bad day.’ I must respond with, before thinking to be nice or politically correct, “I don’t give a damn about her day. That is her child!”
DL Hughley’s mother, in this case, may not have ‘meant’ what she said – but the affects of her statement to him evidently affected him. He did mention it later to his teacher which proves that our minds latch onto hurtful words. Does not matter the intent.
Last week I spent so much time discussing racism, and how it has damaged the psyche of the American people. Both, black and white Americans. After watching DL cry I shifted my thought process in an effort to not change my opinions and beliefs – but to address my people’s role in damaging the self concepts of so many black boys and girls. I did a mind reverse to reflect on what was said to me during my adolescent years: “You ain’t gonna be sh*t because your daddy ain’t sh*t.” Thankfully, no family member has ever said that to me. No, it was people who knew my sad case for a father, JW Taylor. I guess their thought process was, ‘Daddy no good. Son no good.’
Speaking of ‘Good’.
I would like to share with those who assist me in my therapeutic process (you) the following:
Mrs. Donoughe: My high school librarian wanted me to be successful. Her first step to assist was to make sure I scored high on the SAT. During my senior year, she decided to purchase the SAT study guide and video for me. She even asked my PE teacher to grant me absences for 6 weeks. So, I was off to studying. Guess it did not help much because I still scored a 550 on the culturally biased and systematically unfair test.
Mr. Allred: My high school principal knew if he suspended me for punching a white classmate in the mouth after he disrespected my mother that I would be barred from participating in the scheduled state championship track and field meet. So, my mandatory suspension was changed to in-school suspension. This act secured my participation in the meet. Guess what? I ran a h*ll of a race – but was disqualified for some bull crap (accused of getting unfair leverage to clear the hurdles).
Mr. Stevenson: The first man to trust me with employment kept me on the payroll while I was at college studying/running; and paid me for 40 hours per week. A weekly check for not working: $200. When I came home for breaks he let me work like I was a regular day-to-day employee. This way I could earn some money to take back to High Point University (only 8 miles away from my home). He also purchased my books for me every semester. Recently, I totaled the cost of the books: 10 semesters – approximate cost of the books each semester: $300. I never went without those useless books because he gave me $3000 over a span of 5 years; and more for ‘working’ as a bag boy.
Coach Bob Davidson: One of the first men to care enough about my early battles with personal responsibility decided one day to discipline me because I told him, “I am not running the 400 meter hurdles anymore. That event is too hard.” His response: “Well, don’t then – but you will lose your scholarship. Then you will be going back to Thomasville with your head in you’re butt.” I ran them, and later became a 3 time All-American 400 meter hurdler as a result and was also invited to the 1991 Olympic Track and Field Trials for that “too hard” event.
Mr. Jim Scanlon: Was generous enough to let me live in his home for 8 weeks free of charge. I did not even pay for my food, nor did I have to cook - and I had my own space. Thanks to him, his marvelous wife (Chris), and Sam (Dog), my transition to one of my favorite places on earth and a place I should have NEVER left (Washington, DC) was a little less stressful.
Why did I share these acts of HUMANISTIC kindness with you?
When I watch that white man sitting beside DL Hughely I think: ‘He did not allow his country’s racist present and past to hinder him from mentoring a black gang banger.
When I think about the destruction that we (black people) inflict on each other I think: ‘We continue to be our BIGGEST obstacle…too.
By the way, the men and women I mentioned are WHITE.
Written by Brian E. Payne. Inspired by something L. Scott said.
We need to be careful what we say to our children. Just recently while riding Marta I overheard a black mother tell her active toddler, “Sit your wild black ass down, Nigga. You are so damn bad. Get on my nerves. Dang!”
Before anyone says, ‘She may have had a bad day.’ I must respond with, before thinking to be nice or politically correct, “I don’t give a damn about her day. That is her child!”
DL Hughley’s mother, in this case, may not have ‘meant’ what she said – but the affects of her statement to him evidently affected him. He did mention it later to his teacher which proves that our minds latch onto hurtful words. Does not matter the intent.
Last week I spent so much time discussing racism, and how it has damaged the psyche of the American people. Both, black and white Americans. After watching DL cry I shifted my thought process in an effort to not change my opinions and beliefs – but to address my people’s role in damaging the self concepts of so many black boys and girls. I did a mind reverse to reflect on what was said to me during my adolescent years: “You ain’t gonna be sh*t because your daddy ain’t sh*t.” Thankfully, no family member has ever said that to me. No, it was people who knew my sad case for a father, JW Taylor. I guess their thought process was, ‘Daddy no good. Son no good.’
Speaking of ‘Good’.
I would like to share with those who assist me in my therapeutic process (you) the following:
Mrs. Donoughe: My high school librarian wanted me to be successful. Her first step to assist was to make sure I scored high on the SAT. During my senior year, she decided to purchase the SAT study guide and video for me. She even asked my PE teacher to grant me absences for 6 weeks. So, I was off to studying. Guess it did not help much because I still scored a 550 on the culturally biased and systematically unfair test.
Mr. Allred: My high school principal knew if he suspended me for punching a white classmate in the mouth after he disrespected my mother that I would be barred from participating in the scheduled state championship track and field meet. So, my mandatory suspension was changed to in-school suspension. This act secured my participation in the meet. Guess what? I ran a h*ll of a race – but was disqualified for some bull crap (accused of getting unfair leverage to clear the hurdles).
Mr. Stevenson: The first man to trust me with employment kept me on the payroll while I was at college studying/running; and paid me for 40 hours per week. A weekly check for not working: $200. When I came home for breaks he let me work like I was a regular day-to-day employee. This way I could earn some money to take back to High Point University (only 8 miles away from my home). He also purchased my books for me every semester. Recently, I totaled the cost of the books: 10 semesters – approximate cost of the books each semester: $300. I never went without those useless books because he gave me $3000 over a span of 5 years; and more for ‘working’ as a bag boy.
Coach Bob Davidson: One of the first men to care enough about my early battles with personal responsibility decided one day to discipline me because I told him, “I am not running the 400 meter hurdles anymore. That event is too hard.” His response: “Well, don’t then – but you will lose your scholarship. Then you will be going back to Thomasville with your head in you’re butt.” I ran them, and later became a 3 time All-American 400 meter hurdler as a result and was also invited to the 1991 Olympic Track and Field Trials for that “too hard” event.
Mr. Jim Scanlon: Was generous enough to let me live in his home for 8 weeks free of charge. I did not even pay for my food, nor did I have to cook - and I had my own space. Thanks to him, his marvelous wife (Chris), and Sam (Dog), my transition to one of my favorite places on earth and a place I should have NEVER left (Washington, DC) was a little less stressful.
Why did I share these acts of HUMANISTIC kindness with you?
When I watch that white man sitting beside DL Hughely I think: ‘He did not allow his country’s racist present and past to hinder him from mentoring a black gang banger.
When I think about the destruction that we (black people) inflict on each other I think: ‘We continue to be our BIGGEST obstacle…too.
By the way, the men and women I mentioned are WHITE.
Written by Brian E. Payne. Inspired by something L. Scott said.
Reader Response:
ReplyDeleteWow Brian-you never cease to amaze me--it may be PMS but that piece almost
brought me to tears!
-TK
Reader Response:
ReplyDeleteWOW! I wonder how DL's mother feels hearing him repeat her disparaging words to America?
Also, thanks for sharing your stories. It's good that you are grateful for the many people God placed in your life, to help you become who you are...a rotten apple. LOL! Just kidding!
That was good. Thanks for sharing.
-KM
Reader Response:
ReplyDeleteHey great points! Could Mr Stevensen have by any chance managed "Food
World" Grocery store in Five points(HP) in the early eighties? Just
wondering because that gentleman hired me as a 15yr old kid and molded my
thoughts of what a good employer was. A bar set so high that few employers
( no matter the pay scale) have been able to surpass.
-RM
Brian responds to RM:
ReplyDeleteNo. This man is Bobby Stevenson. He owner Wagners Supermarket in Thomasville. Interesting that both influences have the same last name. Thanks for reading.
-Brian
Reader Response:
ReplyDeleteVery Well Said Brian. I've always believed that there is power in the spoken word. If you tell your child they're a failure, you've almost doomed him/her to this fate. What we put out there can sometimes determine how a situation unfolds.
-DM
WE ARE OUR BIGGEST OBSTACLE!
Brian shares:
ReplyDeleteI need to do some research. Would like to know if DL's mother is still alive. I listened/watched the clip again last night. I noticed that he said that he "was trying to win the apple for his mother." Imagine being told what she said after he was trying to do something good for her. Surprise her. Lord. I have seen and heard too many black mothers demean their children in public. At their homes. I still remember a woman telling me, "I pray you don't be nothing like your no good daddy. If you do you will be nothing." Derrick, I still carry that. Still. I am 39 years old. I can see her face. I can recall where we were at. The moment is so vivid to me. Guess what? Judah is right here with me now. I glanced at him. He noticed my tears...He is a special kid. He will be great citizen of the world.
-Brian
Reader Response:
ReplyDeleteI finally got a chance to look at the video again and realized that the power of words is unbelievable!! as a child we are so impressionable and what those who were admire (regardless of their faults) say is extremely important to us. when we begin to dissect our struggles through life we can often point to a time or place when someone said something to us either positive or negative that would change our life forever. i think back to you asking me why i was turned out different then my sisters and brothers and think back to a comment that my mother made to my sister, one day (when i was living in oakland) my mom and sister were over at my house. i lived on the third floor and there was a shacky railing by my door, my sister was sitting on the railing (she is a healthly women) and my mom said that she was too fat or big to be sitting on that railing. i remember struggling with her to not say that, and it fell on deaf ears just like whenever she puts down my older sister and younger brother i struggle with her to not be rude and call people stupid. what i just realized is that my mother never to my face called me stupid, she has put me down but never about my achievements or my employment. this may be why i was able to escape!! i can't imagine being yelled at everyday about how worthless i am (albiet this comes from my mothers frustertation about having two grown people living in her house) and trying to make something of myself. the ironic thing is that she is sometimes supportive of my brother and other times she is not!! strange! just strange!! i think if i had to live in a toxic environment i would be depressed and usesless as well!
-MF
Reader Response:
ReplyDeletethat's one of the reasons i try to be clear with people who so easily misconstrue perspectives and criticisms. i don't have a problem with white folks as individuals, my problems are with the institution of whiteness. and i agree, we definitely need to be accountable for the damage we do to ourselves. many of the wounds of our community are self inflicted. and i don't think the majority of us even realize the damage we do. i try so hard to make sure i say, especially to young people, things that will have a positive impact at the moment and later on. that's quite a challenge sometimes. i hear many mothers say that their children, particularly boys, are "so bad". it sends an arresting chill up my spine. they say these things to their children for fifteen years then seem to be baffled as to why their seeds are robbing old ladies and stores, not realizing that they molded that reality for their children.
as always, we have work to do, and i'm so anxious to see the fruits of concerted labor!
-A Peaceful Journey
Brian responds to A Peaceful Journey:
ReplyDeleteWell, today I was with Judah, at his first day of football practice. More to come on that later.
From a black mother's mouth after her son had an minor asthma episode:
"He (her son) wants to play football. I don't know why. He ain't going to be able to do it."
The Lord intervened. I wanted so bad to mush her. I seriously wanted to smack her lips. Sorry. But, this is where the demeaning of black boys begin. In moments unexpected. Here is this young black boy wanting to play football, and his OVERWEIGHT mother says something so devastating IN EAR SHOT. She was so FAT that I I had to walk her son to the bathroom because she could not walk up the hill without assistance. My brief moment with him will hopefully give him the encouragement to continue. That's my prayer. But, of course, he has to go home with Ms. Fat Unmotivating Butt.
We are ridiculous...
-Brian
DM Responds again:
ReplyDeleteB,
I feel every word you're saying. My late maternal grandmother once taught me and Pat how to tend her garden as kids... then she proceeds to say that we need to learn how to garden so we'll know how to do it when we go to prison one day. I still carry that with me but I laugh at it every time I think about it but I never took it seriously. Don't get me wrong... What she said should never be told to a child but something in me was strong enough to never take that seriously. I've found that in my life, I take people's negative energy/word as a challenge for me to prove them wrong. It is really sad that our race is so dismantled that SOME of our parents don't see how their words of discouragement can damage their/our children. Goes back to the point I made last week that we are just too complex as a people to be summed up in a 4 hour documentary called Black in America. In reading things like this make me cling to the saying 'Be The Change You Would Like To See'
-DM
Brian adds:
ReplyDeleteI have to share this one:
"Don't tell her that she is pretty. She will grow up thinking it."
This usually came from a family member who was telling another family
member this crap. Guess what? I betcha any amount of money that the family
member was referring to a light or fair skin girl. We RARELY ever say a
dark sista is pretty/beatiful. Just jacked d h*ll up! This ain't no old
stuff either. We STILL behave as such.
Two years ago a friend of mine called me crying. She informed me that her
boyfriend of almost a year told her:
"You look good to be dark skin."
Guess what? Her stupid behind still with him! This is the same guy who
pulled off the condom while they were having sex unbeknownst to her...
Just sharing.
What say you?!
-Brian E. Payne
RM responds to Brian:
ReplyDeleteMy youngest daughter, Also named Robin is dark in complexion also. More like me than my wife's fair skin. Until she was born I had no idea the ignorance that runs rampant even today!!!! "That's a pretty dark baby!!" What the heck does that mean?!?!?! "that is a pretty baby" will suffice! When we lived in St. Petersburg FL, even family members have made remarks like "Don't let that child hang with you at the beach all day, she black enough already" Wow, What an ignorant thing to say. And for my beautiful daughter to hear that, even with all the positive reinforcement I give her daily, has to have an effect on her, because it did me. I have 2 cousins and we have been together since birth!! I was the darker of us three and I heard similar remarks from girls asking "why dont you have good hair like the other 2 musketeers? Maybe this is why as a teen and an adult I have been more attracted to dark skin women. I may be just as bad as my oppresors but I tend to relate a certain mindstate with light skin women, One of superiority. I guess I subconsciensly I think that they were told
that they were pretty too much and now they beleive it!
Reader Response:
ReplyDeleteI have also had the support of wonderful black mentors, including my parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, pastor, teachers, church members, etc. This is what is still missing among too many of our young children today. Rather than continuing to dwell on racism, it's time to acknowledge our part in the failure of our children to rise to their fullest potential.
-DBW