Sharing my thoughts from my Western polluted mind is therapeutic. Psychological cleansing. Burden lifting. With every word I have typed on my laptop, desktop, and now BlackBerry - I have tried to be boldly transparent. Transparency-sharing is an internal detoxification. I have wanted you, the reader, to see right through me with difficulty. Not with speed or a fleeting thought. I have wanted and needed for you to stop - get stuck - in my soul. I have desired for you to witness the conflict. Be a part of my turbulent journey. Please continue to embrace my complexity. Live with me for a moment…today:
One Last Step
As I sit here wondering what to convey, my brain is fervently working. It never stops working. It never ceases. Always running in place with desperate purpose to be impactful.
We all experience running moments. It is my hope while running that we are always thinking that the next move is our
One Last Step. Just imagine if we were divinely reminded that what we say or do could be the last gesture from us. What would our lives look like? What affect would we have on the person in front or next to us? Would it be positive or negative?
Time and time again, I am sadly reminded that we are terminal. We are dying. Getting closer to that
One Last Step.
Some are Steppin’ in the Name Love while others are Steppin’ in the Name of Hate. Hate manipulates us. It is like a cancer. It can be a slow destroyer or a like a sudden stroke.
Think about the strokes we take when swimming. If the hand is not position correctly water will flow through the fingers causing no
forward progression. The hand will not force the water back so we can move on
from that place.
I recall one Saturday at Half Moon Bay in Antigua. I was in the sea swimming until I got caught in a riptide. I struggled with every stroke to get back to shore. I could not. After about 8 minutes of stroking, I got tired. Exhausted.
In that moment I began to think of my life. I literally saw visions, segments of my life flash in front of me. I glanced up between flashes of My Beautiful Struggle (my life), and saw 10 to 20 of my friends doing what most people do at the beach, having a good time. I yelled for help. No one could hear me. I began to cry. I was not ready to die - but the Atlantic Ocean was ready to take me to a resting place. Then I said to myself, 'Brian, if you are going to drown got out in peace!’ I decided to stop fighting the current. I took a deep breath - and went under with preparation to fill my lungs with the sustainability of life, water. At that moment, I was taking control of my mortality. I was choosing to die on my own terms. I was not going to drown the typically way:
Fighting. I must have sunk ten to twenty feet...then something happened.
A rush of refreshing water (it was cold) pushed me forward and then upwards. Back above water, I began to take strokes. I was moving. Getting closer and closer
to the shore. I was no longer in that place of Death Preparation.
My
One Last Step was taken away from me.
It was interrupted. It was deferred.
I am still here...wondering when that
One Last Step will be my Last.
Live while you are here - and remember your last words in any situation could be the last for those listening.
Written by Brian E. Payne. Inspired by Ronald B. Wilkins. His death was proof that he had The Last Word:
“Some of you judged me from my exterior, from my life choices - but now you know why I chose to live the way I did: Humble and Simple.” (His last words left in a death proclamation he wrote 15 years ago. A letter I did not open until this morning.)
Lord…he knew what it (life) is/was all about.
